The humming from the microphone echoed and Kirsten's shaky legs
threatened to give out on her. How was it possible that she could spell
twenty-letter diseases and speed through the lexicon of French cuisine
yet flub a simple "i before e except after c"? Sweat had already begun
to bead up on her forehead when the grating buzzer sounded to signal her
failure.
"I'm sorry; that's incorrect." The facilitator stated simply. "You may return to your seat."
Eyes focused on her feet, Kirsten made her way back to her folding
chair. Part of her was shocked by the cold of the grey metal seat, but
it was buried so far beneath her disappointment that she her body didn't
react to the stimulus. How upset her would parents be to R-E-C-E-I-V-E a
loser from the bus stop that afternoon!
She struggled to raise her eyes to the imminent spelling champion as he
approached the microphone. As he began to spell the word that was to
become her terrible legacy at Shady Elm Middle School, he turned a
glimmering eye to her and gave a simple wink. "Receipt. R-E-C-I-E-P-T."
The boy turned away from the microphone and began to walk back to
Kirsten before the buzzer had even sounded. Kirsten could barely breathe
-- he had thrown the game! She didn't know whether to be elated with
her renewed chance to win or angered by his actions. What could have
been going through his head to motivate this young boy's self-sabotage?
When Gary returned he selected the chair directly behind her own and
managed a few words before Kirsten was invited to stand once again:
"You're welcome."
Friday, September 26, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Gold Explosions
gold explodes across
the treeline and my shirt's stripes;
last barbecue this season?
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Summer's End
as Summer's heart slows
leaves cling to dying branches.
Live well to the end.
*
summer's end foretold,
strength pools beneath Mother's breast.
sleep and dream of more
*
your crooked smile is
a sapling's bend in a breeze:
unassuming grace.
leaves cling to dying branches.
Live well to the end.
*
summer's end foretold,
strength pools beneath Mother's breast.
sleep and dream of more
*
your crooked smile is
a sapling's bend in a breeze:
unassuming grace.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Dada Cookie
Sometimes I suspect sentences encased in fortune cookies are assembled
in the same random way as Dada poetry with the same oracular effect.
Wisdom lies in chaos, it seems.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Isobel
On
those days the men insisted on planting themselves in front of the
television and consuming immeasurable amounts of food from dishes they
had no intention of cleaning, she dreamed of life in a zenana where
testosterone only pervaded the premises briefly and for good reason. The
men might have agreed with such an idea, had she revealed her thoughts
to them.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
sex and stimulus
i need to go to sleep or do something productive --
like fucking him until i can't think of anything else.
i'm using orgasm to tune out the truth, but which one:
truth for the long-term or just what i choose to see in a moment?
i can't be sure.
does my libido exceed my wisdom?
(i am often distracted by sex and stimulus.)
does the effect of the cause justify the motivation of the motion?
how many times have i posed such questions?
is there any point
or it is only echoes?
like fucking him until i can't think of anything else.
i'm using orgasm to tune out the truth, but which one:
truth for the long-term or just what i choose to see in a moment?
i can't be sure.
does my libido exceed my wisdom?
(i am often distracted by sex and stimulus.)
does the effect of the cause justify the motivation of the motion?
how many times have i posed such questions?
is there any point
or it is only echoes?
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Dandelion
wisdom lies in chaos --
a fact i've learned by my waning naivete
across the axis of time.
the more trouble i endure,
the less it troubles me.
all things come and go with the wind --
be it light whisper or hurricane --
and all i can do is stand my ground
as it softly whistles in my ear or bursts my eardrums.
am i a sapling, torn from the earth after germination
or am i more invested in the earth i occupy?
i am content, today, to be a dandelion,
giving of myself to enrich the world around me.
a fact i've learned by my waning naivete
across the axis of time.
the more trouble i endure,
the less it troubles me.
all things come and go with the wind --
be it light whisper or hurricane --
and all i can do is stand my ground
as it softly whistles in my ear or bursts my eardrums.
am i a sapling, torn from the earth after germination
or am i more invested in the earth i occupy?
i am content, today, to be a dandelion,
giving of myself to enrich the world around me.
Monday, September 8, 2014
**VOCAB** cant -- work on this, review definition
i fear my tendency for flowery speech
often comes across as a cant.
i'll admit to frequent indecision --
i do hail from the lunar court, after all
(as my moods testify) --
but i don't wish to repel others
with a lack of assertiveness.
my inability to assert my needs and desires
to all but my closest friends and family
is detrimental...
it seems my speech fails to encapsulate
the fullness of my written compositions.
what encouraged this disconnect
between text and talk?
it is silly to hide behind the screen of the paper
when spoken words are so much more efficient...
but i can't abandon the introspection
available on the page...
often comes across as a cant.
i'll admit to frequent indecision --
i do hail from the lunar court, after all
(as my moods testify) --
but i don't wish to repel others
with a lack of assertiveness.
my inability to assert my needs and desires
to all but my closest friends and family
is detrimental...
it seems my speech fails to encapsulate
the fullness of my written compositions.
what encouraged this disconnect
between text and talk?
it is silly to hide behind the screen of the paper
when spoken words are so much more efficient...
but i can't abandon the introspection
available on the page...
Sunday, September 7, 2014
parenthetical
i fear that while my acts are repressible
(reprehensible?)
my feelings cannot be forgotten
(nor forgiven?)
i've broken it.
(can it be fixed?)
(reprehensible?)
my feelings cannot be forgotten
(nor forgiven?)
i've broken it.
(can it be fixed?)
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Growth and Confidence
some days i feel insecure
self-conscious
flawed
wrong somehow.
other days i get out of bed
and feel like i can do anything
(nothing can break my stride!)
...unless i break that stride myself --
with self criticism
self-doubt
by denying that i am good enough
strong enough
enough.
i am truly and always...
an artist
a writer
a musician
a dreamer...
a hard-worker
a person of integrity
(though -- like anyone --
i've had my stumbles along the way)
but i let others determine my path
all too often.
i let others' uninformed words
affect my outlook on the world
(and subsequent actions).
but time and again,
i reach a point
where i decide
to break off...
despite my failure to plan ahead
my lack of whistling ability
my stage fright (when singing, mind you)
my confusion...
i am optimistic
friendly
generous
honest
loving
understanding
and give of myself deeply
(oftentimes, too much ...
too soon...)
i am working on changing my tendency
to become a mat that's walked all over...
straining to improve myself
as i learn about myself and my inner workings
and the world
self-conscious
flawed
wrong somehow.
other days i get out of bed
and feel like i can do anything
(nothing can break my stride!)
...unless i break that stride myself --
with self criticism
self-doubt
by denying that i am good enough
strong enough
enough.
i am truly and always...
an artist
a writer
a musician
a dreamer...
a hard-worker
a person of integrity
(though -- like anyone --
i've had my stumbles along the way)
but i let others determine my path
all too often.
i let others' uninformed words
affect my outlook on the world
(and subsequent actions).
but time and again,
i reach a point
where i decide
to break off...
despite my failure to plan ahead
my lack of whistling ability
my stage fright (when singing, mind you)
my confusion...
i am optimistic
friendly
generous
honest
loving
understanding
and give of myself deeply
(oftentimes, too much ...
too soon...)
i am working on changing my tendency
to become a mat that's walked all over...
straining to improve myself
as i learn about myself and my inner workings
and the world
Friday, September 5, 2014
Hank
Hank's inadequacies were largely imagined: he had graduated at the top
of his class and was rapidly climbing the corporate ladder. Still, his
zeigarnik accosted him at least once a day--transporting him
back to a time years earlier when his nervous fingers had marred his
first piano performance. While his parents had long forgotten the
error--if they had even noticed it initially, George would never
forgive himself for disrespecting Bach.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
butterfly's regression
he loved me...
and i could never make myself feel
anything beyond platonic.
once i cleared the cobwebs
of an (adolescent?) (naive?) idealistic happy-ever-after
i could see that
he was not my prince charming
it was i who charmed him into thinking
that he could play that role
and it was i who opposed his valiant quest
and it was i who played the villain.
now that i've ended things
i feel like i'm inadequate
(and fear that i'll feel the same forever)
because i had this man
and instead of doing the honorable thing
and talking things out with him
and maybe working to fix things
i ran into the arms of another man
but i know deep down
that without this encounter,
i'd never have worked up the resolve
to go through with it.
i learned passion,
i learned...so much about myself already
and i think i've been changing everyday
even though i tried to hide it for years
i think the butterfly i thought
i was becoming a few years ago
was flying on borrowed wings.
but i'm okay -- more than okay --
with being a caterpillar again.
and i could never make myself feel
anything beyond platonic.
once i cleared the cobwebs
of an (adolescent?) (naive?) idealistic happy-ever-after
i could see that
he was not my prince charming
it was i who charmed him into thinking
that he could play that role
and it was i who opposed his valiant quest
and it was i who played the villain.
now that i've ended things
i feel like i'm inadequate
(and fear that i'll feel the same forever)
because i had this man
and instead of doing the honorable thing
and talking things out with him
and maybe working to fix things
i ran into the arms of another man
but i know deep down
that without this encounter,
i'd never have worked up the resolve
to go through with it.
i learned passion,
i learned...so much about myself already
and i think i've been changing everyday
even though i tried to hide it for years
i think the butterfly i thought
i was becoming a few years ago
was flying on borrowed wings.
but i'm okay -- more than okay --
with being a caterpillar again.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Circumscribe
i try to cripple your strength
by talking circles around you --
talking with my pen
(as my vocal cords cannot compete
with the muscles in my fingers
and those in my mind).
despite my strength of mind and digits,
i cannot confine you to a space.
most days i feel that this intangible fence
has fooled me into ignoring you
just long enough for you
to escape through the barbs
and just long enough for me
to stop caring so much.
but other days,
when noise is insufficient to shut out
the incessant emptiness,
i hear you again.
i know it's not truly you --
just my imagined you --
even so, i am transported
to a place where you are central
and i cannot stop wondering
who you really are
and why you had to leave.
by talking circles around you --
talking with my pen
(as my vocal cords cannot compete
with the muscles in my fingers
and those in my mind).
despite my strength of mind and digits,
i cannot confine you to a space.
most days i feel that this intangible fence
has fooled me into ignoring you
just long enough for you
to escape through the barbs
and just long enough for me
to stop caring so much.
but other days,
when noise is insufficient to shut out
the incessant emptiness,
i hear you again.
i know it's not truly you --
just my imagined you --
even so, i am transported
to a place where you are central
and i cannot stop wondering
who you really are
and why you had to leave.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Kinetic
moving moving always moving
my mind more than my limbs
my limbs more than my mind
can i truly move both simultaneously?
i forget what i am to remember
when i move my mind elsewhere
i stumble when i am to dance
when i mistake one foot for another.
i can only prepare for missteps
because they are inevitable
and i cannot anticipate everything
or even the smallest fraction of things.
my admission of flaws is flawless
and i do not omit my tendency to omit
the important nonsense in my life.
can i exhale everything i inhale
or will i always hold back a bit?
my mind more than my limbs
my limbs more than my mind
can i truly move both simultaneously?
i forget what i am to remember
when i move my mind elsewhere
i stumble when i am to dance
when i mistake one foot for another.
i can only prepare for missteps
because they are inevitable
and i cannot anticipate everything
or even the smallest fraction of things.
my admission of flaws is flawless
and i do not omit my tendency to omit
the important nonsense in my life.
can i exhale everything i inhale
or will i always hold back a bit?
Monday, September 1, 2014
Liege to My Heart
how can i be liege to my heart
when its rhythm shifts without warning,
responding to instinctual impulses
that threaten to overcome the established hierarchy?
the collar 'round my tiny finger marks me his,
but is it enough?
any good animal tamer knows
that i a cage or collar need not be too restrictive,
as such means of control establish a monarchy
rather than a mutual agreement based on trust.
my ring is like a spring,
allowing me to look away for a moment
so long as i spring back to where i belong.
he trusts me to return to home when we meet again,
but do i?
the flesh is weak when prodded by the id revealed;
can i keep my baser self repressed
so as always to base my life around him?
basically, maybe...
when its rhythm shifts without warning,
responding to instinctual impulses
that threaten to overcome the established hierarchy?
the collar 'round my tiny finger marks me his,
but is it enough?
any good animal tamer knows
that i a cage or collar need not be too restrictive,
as such means of control establish a monarchy
rather than a mutual agreement based on trust.
my ring is like a spring,
allowing me to look away for a moment
so long as i spring back to where i belong.
he trusts me to return to home when we meet again,
but do i?
the flesh is weak when prodded by the id revealed;
can i keep my baser self repressed
so as always to base my life around him?
basically, maybe...
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