butterfly's regression

he loved me...
and i could never make myself feel
anything beyond platonic.
once i cleared the cobwebs
of an (adolescent?) (naive?) idealistic happy-ever-after
i could see that
he was not my prince charming
it was i who charmed him into thinking
that he could play that role
and it was i who opposed his valiant quest
and it was i who played the villain.

now that i've ended things
i feel like i'm inadequate
(and fear that i'll feel the same forever)
because i had this man
and instead of doing the honorable thing
and talking things out with him
and maybe working to fix things
i ran into the arms of another man

but i know deep down
that without this encounter,
i'd never have worked up the resolve
to go through with it.
i learned passion,
i learned...so much about myself already
and i think i've been changing everyday
even though i tried to hide it for years

i think the butterfly i thought
i was becoming a few years ago
was flying on borrowed wings.
but i'm okay -- more than okay --
with being a caterpillar again.

Happier as Ones

my parents didn't trust him
because i met him online
and perhaps i shouldn't have either
but that is looking back...
and looking forward to our potential future
there was no room for fear,
no time to hold back

so he took me from the safety of my home
to a pool hall (of all places)
a dark haven for dark things.
the setting should have been my first clue --
but i was seventeen and hadn't yet tasted the world,
so its shadows intrigued me
and our flirtation kept me from thinking too hard

i can't remember where we went from there --
a movie theater?
a room underground
where sunlight couldn't penetrate the walls? --
but the next few years tried to steal my light
(and almost succeeded).
but he wasn't for me.

i was bitter when things ended,
blamed him for changing me
and for refusing to change himself.
but i see now we both behaved badly,
cursing one another
for being too different.
two different: we're happier as ones.