No Fanfare Tonight

lying alone in the hallway
as amber light floats from a single dirty bulb
(but the fixture isn't terrible)
there's a reason to go and a place to be
but i can't move...
tomorrow is crawling ever closer
but i shouldn't let it drift away.

i had the urge to get loftier
and parade around some morals
meant to keep the emotional wellness high
but i'm not done soul-searching
and i have fewer answers than before.
so exit stage right, trumpets:
there'll be no fanfare tonight.

no, tonight i hear a distant trumpet and a bongo once and again
and again
once and again.
and the moon shines high above the world
and it's cold and inviting all at the same time
a lover who turns her cheek but turns her cheek,
her body curving into you
but her beautiful face, lips, eyes, BRAIN pull away.

she's not here:
in this world of stability and predictability.
there's no space for different in a world of same.
and maybe she needs excitement.
yes.
she does.

you can't truly claim her until you occupy her mind
but only as a cohabitant, and one with a smaller room at that!
but her thoughts will brush against yours sometimes
because a memory or mystery included you somehow.
you have to make her think
to make her yours.

were you to have this second option rather than the first
as the owner of the mind:
how content could you be with that arrangement, anyhow?
the good and bad from the mind without the excellent horseplay,
(oh, how she brags about her sexpertise!)
your deal is not ideal either.
surely you'll grow tired of the arrangement one day.

and what will she do when she loses your companionship?
who will she become without your light?
with nothing or no one to propel her forwards,
will she start sliding further back?
at what point will the realization come
that leads her to a tough decision?
how much you mean remains to be seen.

maybe tomorrow,
once these hours finish drifting away.